Criticism Kills...Kindness Heals

Recently, I have become casual about criticism. Those heavy thoughts seem to enter my life every day. The white speck on someone’s dark suit or the misplaced word in someone’s sentence both seem to draw my attention readily. The cloudy days seem longer and the sun less bright. I see the microscopic and forget the whole. I ask why, why, why over and over again, neglecting other’s agency to make minor and even more major decisions without my nitpicking. This turn in my perspective hasn’t been made easier with recent trembling earthquakes, a need for a tighter budget, and a second bout of flu. It is just easier to criticize.

However, a good friend shared a gift with me recently and left a kind note as balm to my soul. So my goal during the rest of March, as we move towards Easter and a rededication to a better self, is to become less of a critic and more of a healer. May I share several ways towards kindness I’m planning to work on?

The Non-Critic, Lessons From a Piano Teacher
My piano teacher was a non-critic. When I played my hard-practiced piece for her at one lesson (even knowing that both of us had heard my mislaid notes), instead of bringing them to my attention, she focused on two sparkles she had found. “Marie,” she said, “that grandiose opening was particularly played with drama and I surely liked it when you did the trill with such accuracy. In fact, I would like to hear you play this piece again.” Her willingness to let me redo what needed redoing without undoing my ego usually allowed me to play the second time with more accuracy and skill.

She made me shine because she chose to shine me. And, yes, she sometimes corrected me, but after such kindness, the careful correction seemed merited and was more easily accepted. This repeated kindness has been remembered for all the years I was her student and through all my subsequent mishaps at the piano, both private and public. When I mess up, I can hear her voice telling me about the good at the beginning of the piece and the special interpretation at the end. “You did a great job with that complex chord” seems to ring in my soul. And thus, I want to be more non-critical like Mrs. Tonks.

The Un-Critic, Lessons from a Conversation
Everyone liked Mrs. C. She seemed liked a southern belle without the accent and to be in her presence was to be loved. She wasn’t the victim of criticism very often because of her pleasant personality, but heard it coming from the mouths of men and women quite frequently when she was socializing with others. When poison spat forth, especially when a certain gentleman of some distinction in the community was caught philandering his morality, she put the rumors to bed (no pun intended).

She simply, when such gossip began in her circle of conversation, chose to remember how this same gentleman had gotten up in the middle of the night to aid her family when serious illness had struck, how he had counseled her son when he was drifting afar; and finally, how he had raised an upright and intelligent daughter who made him proud on every side.

The wind always turned when Ruth was around. It wasn’t that she was excusing actions she didn’t approve of; it was that she chose to also bring out the scales. She chose to balance the criticism she heard with a good dose of another view, the perspective that chose to also see the gold in a soul. And so, I want to be braver like Mrs. C.

The Anti-Critic, Lessons from a Zipper
Mary Ann was a small girl in my fifth grade class. We didn’t particularly like her because she seemed timid and backward, but one day I learned from her that when others criticize, you can be the ultimate tutor by your own anti-criticism. It was a small matter, really. Her cousin, who was in our same classroom, had left his zipper undone after a trip to the bathroom. We whispered viciously around the room about it, laughing softly because the teacher was gone and because it seemed glorious to find fault. When the whispered comments reached her ear, she deftly and firmly rose, much to our surprise, and walked to her cousin’s side.

After a quiet plea, they departed from the room and returned with the zipper up. Silence filled our classroom as we dropped our heads in reddened shame. Not only did she defend her own, but she taught me, even when I was nine, that criticism can be stopped in its tracks by self-initiative. And therefore, I want to be more proactive like Mary Ann.

All these faces of kindness are from my past. Some of these people have gone to their reward, but their willingness to counter criticism with various forms of kindness come again and again to remind me that to criticize is to kill the soul, whereas to be kind is to heal the same.

Why, oh Why, Lessons from the Silenced Horn
Finally, I must speak of my second mother. She came into my life with marriage and was in close proximity during most of my adult life. It was she who profoundly silenced my previous encounter with the incessant why from an unkind peer. You see, before her influence, in another time and place during my young adult life, with a dominant friend at the university, I had been subjected to the why question again and again. It was like a constant horn blast to my heart. Why did I wear my hair that way? Why was I walking today instead of using my bike? Why did I wash the dishes with a rag instead of a sponge? Why did I wear the brown shoes when black would have looked so much better? The why, why, why always hurt. It just seemed so unkind.

Then Mom came onto the scene of my life’s play. She never seemed overly curious nor asked why I did what I did. She didn’t seem to worry; she just trusted. If I liked to wear my brown shoes, she commented that brown seemed to bring out the highlights in my hair. When she found I used a dishrag instead of a sponge to scrub my sink, as was her habit, she thought it a grand option. When she saw me with a different hairdo, she likened my creativity to that of a mentor she knew I adored. She was kindly, through and through, and I knew I was safe in her presence.

The Yellow Tulips, Lessons from the Anonymous
Oh, I want to be kind, generous, and giving. I want to eliminate criticism from my head, my heart, and my soul. I want to be more zealous to see the golden and ignore the dross. I want to stand for all I can find that is glorious and let the sordid fall unnoticed. I want to be like the one who left yellow tulips on my porch one gray spring morning with a simple note of definitive praise and gratitude. For me, it is those who shine my soul that have special place in my memory. And the good they did for me then, still shines me up today!

©2010 Marie Calder Ricks/www.houseoforder.com

Shades of Emerald, Sage, and Avocado

Perspectives Gained From Age and Experience
by Marie Calder Ricks

It is springtime again. Well, almost. The chill winds still blow and sometimes I shiver with anxiety over undone winter projects that will soon take the back burner to more pressing outdoor needs. You see, the persistent weeds are popping up and I saw tulip tips in a flower bed yesterday. The circle of seasons is beginning again. And with each year, it seems I’m a new color of green in my soul.

This Spring I’m discovering I am no longer “just green” in my feelings about life. The energy for life and the perspective of love is different, slower and deeper perhaps. I don’t know if it is becoming a grandmother, or that my hair is lightening with significant amounts of white and silver, or maybe because people are looking at me differently when I speak and share my heart.

Whatever the reason, I sense I’m moving from being “straight green” more towards the shades of emerald, sage, and avocado. I’ll tell you why this matters and what I’m trying to understand!


Emerald

More and more often I’m being put in an enclosure. I will someday be put in a box, just like a jewel, and kept there precious indeed, but not much use for anything else. The box will eventually be a coffin, or maybe a smaller “assisted living” abode, or maybe just the confines of physical limitations or mental incapacities. But even as those threats are very real in my upcoming seasons of life, so also is the opposing clarity of jewel-like vision which seems to recently accompany every introduction to a stranger.

How it is that you come to see into people instead of just at them? And when you are introduced you discern sorrows, past hurts, and current conflicts written on their very countenances, with a transparency not perceived in earlier, greener days? And how is it that people become more precious with every encounter until you yearn to lift the sorrows you recognize in others' lives?

I like this color of green. It has its limitations, to be sure, but the trade-off is worth the change in status. And who knows, maybe I’ll eventually take on the shades like chrysolite or chrysoprasus, other variations of green jewels yet to be discovered on this trail of life.


Sage

Kitchen herbs smell--mostly good and sometimes scrumptiously so. My parents grew sage in their country garden. It is a perennial plant, a favorite of bees in the spring, and truly succulent when added to the cavity of a turkey on holidays and roasted slow while relatives and erstwhile friends reach out to know each others' souls again.

I’m becoming somewhat sage-like, too. I have an opinion for almost every situation, advice for all who ask, and sometimes for those who don’t. It seems I know more than before but am listened to less. Sometimes I am loved for such offerings, other times I’m looked upon as a naggy shrew to be avoided at all costs.

But then sage is only to be added sparingly to have its most delicate effect upon food. I must likewise learn to be astute about the amount of sagacious wisdom I proffer when it is not sought for. And even when it is, I must be prudent to encourage and not criticize, let others learn and grow for themselves, and understand that much of what I know is to make me far-sighted, not anyone else.

Truly, my elderly visiting teacher was correct when she said, “Marie, the day will come when your beauty moves from your face to your heart! And others will come to value you, when they need you most, because of your soul instead of your façade.”


Avocado

I’m also becoming quite like an avocado, squishy to the extreme, softer in all body parts, and useful mostly to be yielding and huggable. This makes it more likely children will flow to me for kisses and attention and that my clothes won’t look good too tight. But make no mistake, the time has also come when being squeezed is more precious than being admired.

Being somewhat like an avocado also signals that I have a pit of sorrow in the middle of my soul, something which comes to all who live long enough to have loved well and walked the life’s road far enough to know the effects of panic, sorrow, pain, and struggle.


And So On to Other Shades

And so if I have added additional jade shades to my soul, I’m glad I’m no longer “just green.” I’m glad that occasionally others see me for these shades I have learned to wear somewhat well: the shades of emerald, sage, and avocado.

With time I will become more silvered, more transparent, and maybe eventually my soul will be like a forest in the early morn, when the limes are so light and the olives so tender as to make you cry. Maybe I will be something wonderful some day, worth really being treasured for the soft and precious shades of green I have become.


Sage photo used with permission of SHX666, sxc.hu.
©2010 Marie Calder Ricks/www.houseoforder.com

Having More with Less

When I converse with men and women who seem more put together and orderly in their lives, I notice several common traits. Particularly, it seems they live simply, very simply indeed. In fact, they seem to minimize their choices wherever they can and then maximize their amounts. It appears to me they focus on having more with less.


Wardrobe

Organized people seem to have simpler wardrobes. For example, when they find a pair of dress shoes they like, they will buy two pairs. This allows them to go twice as long before the next shoe shopping trip. While they might enjoy shopping as much as you and I do, they also have many other priorities. So the shoes they find, purchase, and wear stay in their life for twice as long.

When they find hosiery or socks that fit well and are complementary in tone, they will purchase enough to last for a longer period of time, usually one to three years. It is one less thing they will have to worry about for many months to come. This is especially true if they mail order their hosiery or socks, find them on sale, or buy them at a discount outlet.

They have also learned that classical jewelry can be worn with most any outfit. So whether they choose jewels, gold, silver, or platinum, they have enough of these pieces to mix and match. Particularly if they are women, they will have bracelets, earrings, pins, and necklaces that are interchangeable. One time they might wear the bracelet and earrings, another time the earrings and pin, and a third time the bracelet and necklace. In other words, they always seem very put together. If they are men, their ring, watch, cuff links, and tie pins/clips (when they desire to wear these) are closely coordinated. You see, they have more choices with less.

In the same way, their wardrobe has fewer pieces, most of which are classic in design. In addition, the pieces are interchangeable. For women, the tops and blouses go with their pants. These same blouses and tops also go with their carefully selected skirts. And their jackets seem to go with most everything. Instead of purchasing more and more clothing, they have more variety even as they have fewer items. They learn to use scarves to dress up their outfits and give variety to their wardrobe, all with a few carefully selected pieces that can be kept in a small drawer.

The men seem to have a nice variety of clothing, but on closer inspection, they have fewer pieces that can be worn together in a variety of ways to create a great look no matter the occasion.

These same principles of “having more with less” can be applied to your spouse’s wardrobe, to your childrens' clothing, and even to the way you purchase clothes for yourself and them in the future. Buy pieces that go with an already established wardrobe to create variety without a lot of additional expense. Buy pieces that can be worn oversized for a bit to length the time a child can wear a coat, top, or sweater. Just think differently.

For example, one wise mother with five young sons looked at their wardrobes each year and when making purchases, tried to choose clothing that was durable, classic in design, and carefully coordinated with other items already in the boys’ closet. She made the most of having more with less.


Sundries

Just as wardrobes benefit from this principle, purchasing sundries such as shampoo, soap, deodorant, and other personal needs can make life easier and shopping trips less frequent. Having considered the many different possibilities, choose your favorites and purchase them in bulk to last a considerable period of time. There are fewer choices once you have made your purchases, of course, but then you don’t have to think about making more choices for many months. The shampoo you have chosen is what you get to use for a long time without another moment's thought!


Shopping

It is the same with grocery shopping, gift shopping, and any other purchases that are a regular part of your life.

For example, one couple of my acquaintance decided upon the gift they would give for weddings and then purchased it in bulk for the next year’s needs. Having been successful in that enterprise, they decided to purchase two year’s supply of wedding gifts during a particularly busy wedding season of their extended family and thus didn’t worry about gift giving for over 100 weeks. An hour’s session together to wrap the gifts and a storage area reserved for their prepared gifts was enough to settle this item in their schedule for a considerable period of time. When it was time to leave for the reception, they would add a bright bow and a personal note of congratulations (kept, of course, near the gifts for their convenient use). Indeed, they had more with less.

So when you notice a person of distinction, charm, and personality, also notice how he or she generally does more with less. And if you desire, try to emulate this quality. It will save time, help you feel more put together, and even cause others to begin to notice and maybe even duplicate your personal approach to life.

©2009 Marie Calder Ricks/www.houseoforder.com

Teaching Others to Wait

Today I would like to share some thoughts about a delicate but very important skill for anyone trying to bring more order to his or her life. It is the skill of teaching others to wait. I believe one of the great challenges in life is knowing when to stop and reply, how fast to respond, and what to do when others need you. Sometimes this happens when the phone rings, children call out for help, or teenagers and/or other adults want your rather immediate attention.

I believe you will bring greater order in your life by not trying to be everything to everyone all the time. Let’s discuss a typical situation. You are folding laundry and your seven-year-old child says, "Mom, I need you to come and help me tape my library book." Generally, you drop what you are doing and sprint to the child's aid. If the child is capable of understanding the concept of waiting, you might do better to say, "Jonathan, I would be happy to come and help you. However, I have about three more minutes of folding towels, two more minutes of putting them away, and then I'll be there." What this does is it allow you to come to finishing points, mini-finishing points though they may be, so you have places of completion in your own routines, even as you meet the requests of others.

Or, another typical situation might be an interaction with your teenager. "Mom, where’s my white shirt?" Usually, this particular individual is in a frantic panic to get somewhere soon and you feel that time squeeze. Suddenly, it is your job to find the shirt and find it now. So generally you stop our own task, move to the place of the need, and begin to help with the search. But is that the best way to respond or the best timing with which to react? And, what are you teaching others about our own self-respect and their need for independent responsibility? How much better to say, as calmly as possible, "Brad, I don’t know where your shirt is right now, and I’m busy for about five more minutes changing my sheets. Then I’ll be happy to come help." You are not deliberately making our teenager’s life difficult, but usually it is his problem and should remain his problem, if only for a few more minutes. Then, when you come to a convenient stopping point, you can go to his aid (and hope that he has found the shirt on his own in the meantime.)

Or, your spouse calls, "Honey!" and you stop mid-stride and go to his or her side and help with whatever is the particular problem of the moment, rather it be to get a spider, retrieve toilet paper, or help reach items too high on a shelf. Now, I’m not against helping others, but I see too many people moving too fast to the aid of others who would just as well learn to get their own spiders, look under the sink for toilet paper, and climb on a stool they retrieved themselves. And in the meantime, you could finish ironing that shirt.

So, the concept simply is this: As you go through life and your children mature, or your teenagers and spouse are cooperative, or your coworkers and elderly parents are understanding, let them know you are happy to come, but you would appreciate if they would wait (if only momentarily) so you can come to a finishing point.

"Yes, Mom, I hear you calling. I'll be there in just a bit. I'm putting the noodles and sauce into the casserole dish and the oven. Then I can figure out why your TV won’t change channels."

Or, when you answer the phone and a request is made to run an errand, say, "You know, honey, I would be happy to do that for you. However, I am in the middle of scrubbing the kitchen floor. It will take me about 20 minutes to finish and then I'll be happy to leave. Will that work with your own schedule?"

Or if you find yourself facing a flushed youngster who is requesting help with her science project, you might say, "Josie, I’m so glad you are making progress on your project and I would be happy to hold the papers so you can staple them to your poster board. I’m just finishing up the last of the dinner dishes. It will be about five more minutes before I can come."

If you will begin to do this more often, especially when circumstances are such that you can take this opportunity, you bring your life to places of finishing. The laundry will get put away, the kitchen floor will be scrubbed before you leave the house, and dinner will be hot and ready on time. You will just be more in control!

At the same time, you are also instilling a sense of value for your own needs and teaching others to respect you. So may I encourage you to carefully observe your interactions this next week and see where you are jumping the gun, where you are responding too quickly; and, therefore, leaving the task at hand undone in favor of helping someone else right away. Work just a little bit towards helping others wait, if even just momentarily, so you can come to a wonderful, complete, and sensible finishing point.

Yes, teaching others to wait so you can come to a finishing place will increase order in your life, allow them to become just a bit more independent, and eventually will help everyone value each other’s priorities and current projects. Good luck!