A Merrier Christmas, the Ten Percent Way

Preparing for the holidays is a lot of work. It takes time, energy, and money. But to have a truly successful and fulfilling holiday season, it is important to make some very difficult decisions right away. Where will you spend your time, how much money will you spend, and which of the many tasty treats will become personal indulgences?

Because I am sure you want to have an easier, nicer Christmas, cheer up and prepare with me for a more light-hearted holiday season. It is really very easy. Resolve upon three strategies that will work towards this goal: Plan to spend just 10% less (than last year), decide to do just 10% less (than your usual holiday routine); and finally, resolve to eat just 10% less (than you would like). Now, I didn’t say don’t spend, don’t do, and don’t eat. The holidays are not a “fast,” but most of us could use to have a little more “diet” in our December. This can come quite naturally if you take the “lower calorie” approach.

Spend 10% Less
You might wisely conclude, “I will spend money, but only this much and in this way.” Make up your gift list, set a reasonable financial limit for each gift purchase, and add up the numbers. Now, look again at this same list and downsize your figures just 10%. Instead of $20, plan to spend $18. Instead of doling out $10, plan to spend $9. Instead of using up $5, plan to spend $4.50. Just 10% less will do just fine! As a matter of fact, this slightly lower spending plan, especially if you share your purchasing plan with those you love, will allow your friends and family spend less, too, because the pressure will be off to “keep up” with the precedence of previous years.

Do 10% Less
You could willingly decide, “I will be involved with some activities, parties, and social obligations, but I will remember that saying ‘no’ to some activities is not the end of the world. It is, rather, just choosing between two good activities and deciding which I prefer.” Then, review your calendar and see where you can consolidate some activities into one, where you can bypass some activities in favor of others, and which you will decline this year (so you can still be sane on January 1, 2010). With 31 days in December, this means saving only some three additional days or so from heavy social obligations. It will make all the difference. Remember, when you say no to some activities, you are also saying yes to others.

Eat 10% Less
As you pre-decide about your personal palate preferences, you might indicate, “I will enjoy some eggnog, some cheesecake, and even an extra chocolate or two. But I will not eat as much as I am offered just because I am offered it, nor will I keep all the chocolates out and about on the kitchen counters to torment me. Some yes; all no!”

So, look at this year’s holiday calendar. What can you do to be more creative and less indulgent as you plan your gifts and thus save 10%? How can you be social enough and yet save 10% of your time for more treasured, precious moments of reverence and repose? Which of your many treasured treats will you taste and what 10% will you defer to another, thinner time in your life?

It is in deciding beforehand that makes for a more orderly holiday season. When will you put up the tree and what 10% of the house will you leave undecorated? How can you satisfy those you love with 10% less on the menu than you have prepared before? And how about gift wrapping with a 10% reserve in glitter and gold? And what will you decline to eat so much of in favor of keeping your belt notched at the same place during the next several weeks?

Remember, if you can shift gears downward just 10% you will set the stage for others to be able to relax and enjoy the holidays more, too. So spend less, do less, and eat less. Decide upon your 10% holiday “diet” plan now and hold steady. Some, but not too much. A few, but not too many. A taste, but not the whole piece, thank you very much.

We want to get to 2010 thinner, more rested, and with a few extra dollars to our name! It will make for a merrier Christmas and the likelihood of a more prosperous New Year!

©2009 Marie Calder Ricks/www.houseoforder.com

Teaching Children Not to Hit

In many families, hitting is a common way of resolving conflict between siblings (and sometimes between adults). This is not the best way. Is it possible to teach your family members not to hit? Is it possible to teach them to resolve conflicts without any physical violence? It is possible to have a family where everyone is working to find answers through verbal communication instead of throwing, shoving, and punching? Absolutely! As a matter of fact, learning not to hit is essential for all mature interactions in life. There are several great skills for ordering your family’s emotional life so physical conflict is eliminated (or at least reduced) and the inevitable challenges that come with living together are worked through without physical force.

Children that are allowed to hit as a way of resolving conflicts often become adults that hit each other (whether it be as husband or wife) or parents who inappropriately hit their children. This pattern of hitting can also lead to inappropriate moral activities and variance in social interactions as children mature. When children are allowed to hit without teaching them how to resolve conflicts appropriately, trouble is in store.

So begin an initiative in your own home that will change family interactions for the better. Discuss with your spouse what your conflict resolutions standards will be when the two of you get angry. Then talk with your family members about their feelings and ideas. Converse about possible new standards before, after, and during the challenges that are part of living together. Then formalize them in writing.

For example, you might begin teaching your children not to hit each other by specifically saying,

“Remember, we don’t hit in our family any more. Yes, we will have conflicts and challenges, but we can resolve them without hitting each other. Joan you sit there and Mary you sit there until you feel settled down a bit and then we will talk together.”

This will be a little difficult at first because children are very apt at hitting. If they are not taught properly, they are especially good at it when parent’s attention is diverted elsewhere. They get even better at hitting on the sly as they mature. But for family life to improve considerably and for peace to return, it is time for change now.

When older children squabble with each other and begin hitting, you separate them until they have cooled down a bit before resolving the issues. Then work with them to verbalize what happened, what they are feeling, and how to find answers. You can teach them to resolve their challenges by talking through their feelings and seeking for a mutual solution. Teach them that mature people do not hit to resolve problems. They talk through their challenges and disputes. They sit and discuss, share and suggest. They find answers together using calm, controlled voices whenever possible.

“Josh, you and Allie have been fighting and are both angry. Remember, we don’t hit to settle our arguments. We talk. Josh, you go to your bedroom and Allie you sit on the couch. In five minutes when we have all settled down a bit, we will talk together and begin to find solutions.”

If your children aren’t quite ready to have an equitable discussion right after their squabble, continue to keep them separated until they have cooled down and are a bit more teachable. Then work with them to teach these principles. At first it will not be easy and you might find that you have some learning to do yourself to keep in control, but stay with it. Remember, if you don’t get mad, you can keep the situation workable as you teach proper principles for conflict resolution.

“I’m feeling so upset at both of you right now. You know that hitting is not the best way to work through anger. Let’s just breathe deeply five times and then each find a chair in the family room. I’ll let each of you state your side of the story. Then I will share mine. Then we will talk about ways to find a solution to our problem.”

Teenagers seem to respond best to a family discussion about familial interactions and appropriate ways of expressing anger, frustration, and disagreement. Work with them until all parties have a clear perception of what, how, and when disputes will be resolved. Then reinforce these standards both by your own example and by continued training.

“Brad, I see that you are not following our family rules about hitting. Art has a bruise on his leg from you. Yes, I know that you were very mad at him, but still we must talk through our problems, not hit our way through them. Sit down here. I will go get Art and we will have a discussion together to find answers to both your needs.”

Even very small children can be taught not to hit. They will often strike or slap you in the face when you are holding them. One of the best ways to work through this is to simply hold their hands softly, but firmly, and say,

“Hitting is not permitted.”

They, of course, will do it again just to see what will happen. Again hold their hands and in a soft but firm voice say,

“Hitting is not permitted.”

Repeat this over and over again until the child begins to respond and comply.

Lastly, discuss with your spouse better, gentler ways to work through the friction that often happens in a marriage and which might lead, from time to time, to physical hitting. This simply cannot be the best way to have order at home.

“Stacy, I love you so much and still I struggle not to use my fists when I get angry. Let’s talk of what we can do so I feel like you are listening to me better. Let’s plan to separate ourselves from the kids and retire to our bedroom before our feelings get out of control. Then we can talk in private until answers come.”

So begin a no hitting initiative right away with your family. If you do this, there will be more peace and harmony between your children. There will be more love between you and your spouse as you train by example. There will be more order in your life in general. And, there will be a chance for a new generation to grow up learning how to peacefully handle life’s many pressures.

©2009 Marie Calder Ricks/www.houseoforder.com