Simultaneous to Sequential

My cousin’s young daughter recently passed away from a sudden illness. It was a trauma for our extended family. She was so young, so vibrant, and so eager. Now she is gone. With time, it is getting easier to cope with her loss and I am getting used to the feelings in my heart, but even as I do, I am learning that when you are in a stressful situation or at an unusual place where things are not making much sense, it is best to order your days to do what matters MOST first and let most of everything else “season” for awhile until you feel more healed and interested.

The stresses in your life might come from different circumstances. They might even be from long-ago memories. They might be for reasons you can't exactly explain, but feel too much stress nevertheless. When you realize that stress is making you dysfunctional, it is time for a different, better plan of action.

This plan means you move from more simultaneous living (doing a lot of things all at once) to somewhat sequential living (focusing on one thing, then another, and finally a third).

It seems that when stress increases, our capacity to deal with a lot of different options, projects, and responsibilities diminishes. This is not because we are weak, bad, or otherwise faulty. It is just a fact of life!

It is also important to understand that this personal stress doesn’t have to have a big name, be an important event, or even be publicly known. It can just exist in you. Please recognize it for what it is and adjust your lifestyle, at least temporarily, so you can function at a higher level.

When the going gets rough, tough, and otherwise impossible, may I suggest facing life in this more linear and less spatial fashion. For instance, you awaken one morning and know it is going to be a “hard and heavy” day. If you stay at home, you might have gotten up late and not be your best self. The housework seems endless, the children are out of sorts, and your mind is a fog about whether to start the dishes, get a batch of laundry going, or maybe just climb right back in bed.

If you have managed to get to work, you look at your responsibilities and wonder where to begin, who to make happy first, and how to keep the smile pasted firmly on your face until quitting time. You are present, but you cannot be held accountable for much.

Before you totally give up and quit, may I suggest you list everything that is on your mind. Get it out on three sheets of paper entitled: Must Do Today, Would Like To Do This Week, and Can Wait For Later. Yes, everything that is on your mind should be written down.

Once you have dumped your stresses into these three categories, put the Can Wait For Later list in the back of your planner. (It will be the last list to tackle and will only be brought out when the other two lists are complete and/or someone else shows up to help you out sometime down the road.)

Put the Would Like To Do This Week list at the end of this week’s pages in your planner. (It will be there when and if you have energy to think about it. If not, these things can be faced next week or the next. Again, if anyone volunteers to help later in the week, give them the opportunity to contribute.)

Now, take the Must Do Today list and by adding 1, 2, or 3, etc. to each item of your list, decide the exact order in which you will face your day.

Yes, I know that this list-making is taking a lot of time, but it will save trouble, decision-making, and lots of frustration for the rest of the day and throughout the week. There needs to be some organization in the midst of your soul’s chaos. There needs to be marching orders to pull you along because your mind is not functioning at its best. There needs to be activity to salve the wounds and distract your sorrowing heart.

With a list of what to do and in which order to do it, you now have focus and you now can live more sequentially. This will make it easier to get going and keep going as you address the minimum requirements of life.

Face the first item on your Must Do Today list, tackle it, take care of it, and then go on to the next (between changing diapers, wiping noses, and answering questions, if you have small children around). Then go on to the second item (and answer phones, keep your boss happy, and smile at the customers, if you are at work). Then do the third, fourth, and on and on.

You will get through today more successfully and happier than almost any other method I have tried. Remember, having better, more-able-to-cope days during difficult times means making up three lists and then following them in order. Soon enough your heart will settle down and you can return to a more simultaneous routine! But for now, and even for a few more weeks, let the sorrow sit until it is past. Let the pain soak until it is gone. Let your heart have space to feel and cope, all because you have made three lists and without too much thinking can function on the outside, even you heal on the inside.

© 2009 Marie Calder Ricks/www.houseoforder.com