Teaching Others to Wait

Today I would like to share some thoughts about a delicate but very important skill for anyone trying to bring more order to his or her life. It is the skill of teaching others to wait. I believe one of the great challenges in life is knowing when to stop and reply, how fast to respond, and what to do when others need you. Sometimes this happens when the phone rings, children call out for help, or teenagers and/or other adults want your rather immediate attention.

I believe you will bring greater order in your life by not trying to be everything to everyone all the time. Let’s discuss a typical situation. You are folding laundry and your seven-year-old child says, "Mom, I need you to come and help me tape my library book." Generally, you drop what you are doing and sprint to the child's aid. If the child is capable of understanding the concept of waiting, you might do better to say, "Jonathan, I would be happy to come and help you. However, I have about three more minutes of folding towels, two more minutes of putting them away, and then I'll be there." What this does is it allow you to come to finishing points, mini-finishing points though they may be, so you have places of completion in your own routines, even as you meet the requests of others.

Or, another typical situation might be an interaction with your teenager. "Mom, where’s my white shirt?" Usually, this particular individual is in a frantic panic to get somewhere soon and you feel that time squeeze. Suddenly, it is your job to find the shirt and find it now. So generally you stop our own task, move to the place of the need, and begin to help with the search. But is that the best way to respond or the best timing with which to react? And, what are you teaching others about our own self-respect and their need for independent responsibility? How much better to say, as calmly as possible, "Brad, I don’t know where your shirt is right now, and I’m busy for about five more minutes changing my sheets. Then I’ll be happy to come help." You are not deliberately making our teenager’s life difficult, but usually it is his problem and should remain his problem, if only for a few more minutes. Then, when you come to a convenient stopping point, you can go to his aid (and hope that he has found the shirt on his own in the meantime.)

Or, your spouse calls, "Honey!" and you stop mid-stride and go to his or her side and help with whatever is the particular problem of the moment, rather it be to get a spider, retrieve toilet paper, or help reach items too high on a shelf. Now, I’m not against helping others, but I see too many people moving too fast to the aid of others who would just as well learn to get their own spiders, look under the sink for toilet paper, and climb on a stool they retrieved themselves. And in the meantime, you could finish ironing that shirt.

So, the concept simply is this: As you go through life and your children mature, or your teenagers and spouse are cooperative, or your coworkers and elderly parents are understanding, let them know you are happy to come, but you would appreciate if they would wait (if only momentarily) so you can come to a finishing point.

"Yes, Mom, I hear you calling. I'll be there in just a bit. I'm putting the noodles and sauce into the casserole dish and the oven. Then I can figure out why your TV won’t change channels."

Or, when you answer the phone and a request is made to run an errand, say, "You know, honey, I would be happy to do that for you. However, I am in the middle of scrubbing the kitchen floor. It will take me about 20 minutes to finish and then I'll be happy to leave. Will that work with your own schedule?"

Or if you find yourself facing a flushed youngster who is requesting help with her science project, you might say, "Josie, I’m so glad you are making progress on your project and I would be happy to hold the papers so you can staple them to your poster board. I’m just finishing up the last of the dinner dishes. It will be about five more minutes before I can come."

If you will begin to do this more often, especially when circumstances are such that you can take this opportunity, you bring your life to places of finishing. The laundry will get put away, the kitchen floor will be scrubbed before you leave the house, and dinner will be hot and ready on time. You will just be more in control!

At the same time, you are also instilling a sense of value for your own needs and teaching others to respect you. So may I encourage you to carefully observe your interactions this next week and see where you are jumping the gun, where you are responding too quickly; and, therefore, leaving the task at hand undone in favor of helping someone else right away. Work just a little bit towards helping others wait, if even just momentarily, so you can come to a wonderful, complete, and sensible finishing point.

Yes, teaching others to wait so you can come to a finishing place will increase order in your life, allow them to become just a bit more independent, and eventually will help everyone value each other’s priorities and current projects. Good luck!